Arthritis can make a marriage either stronger or weaker, and the difference is largely up to you.

Arthritis is a disease that affects everyone in a family, not just the person diagnosed. Arthritis can change everyday tasks and activities for the whole family. Depending on the severity of arthritis, each day’s pain and mobility is different. Some days will be better than others. Also, household tasks may become difficult for the person suffering from arthritis and may have to be delegated to different family members.

“You might think that marriage, with its give-and-take of physical and emotional support, would be a buffer against the stress of arthritis — but the opposite often occurs,” said Bill Benson, MD, a rheumatologist at St. Joseph’s Hospital in Hamilton, Ontario. “Even without arthritis, many couples are leading busy, strained lives. Then arthritis comes into the picture and puts added strain on the individuals and as a result, on their union,” said Dr. Benson.1

“It is very important in any relationship that partners are open and honest with each other.And it is equally important to be open about both your emotional and physical feelings,” said Rev. Terry Anderson, Executive Director of Samaritan Counseling Center, Fort Wayne, Indiana in a March 2005 phone interview. The Samaritan Counseling Center serves people and couples struggling with depression, anxiety, family conflict, or other emotional and interpersonal difficulties.

“If you are struggling with the pain of arthritis, it is essential to let your partner know how you’re feeling at any given time because pain can alter your mood and behavior,” said Anderson. One mistake many people make is to participate in activities that are not comfortable or cause pain in order to please your partner. This will be a recipe for frustration and breakdown of a relationship.Instead, let your spouse know upfront which activities bother you so that, as partners, you can find other things to do together.

Be sure to make time to participate in activities together, while pursuing other activities that you can each do on your own. For example, the two of you may have enjoyed playing tennis together before one of you was diagnosed with arthritis. Instead of limiting both to giving up tennis, make sure that the partner who is still able to play, pursues the sport that they enjoy. This is called “healthy separation.” By doing this, both partners live comfortably within each other’s limitations.

“Support groups can also be a way of coping with arthritis for couples,” said Anderson.Support groups are not only good for arthritis patients, but also for spouses who have a chance to meet and make friends with other spouses who are struggling with similar issues.

Relationships with young children can also be affected by arthritis. Knowing that a parent has arthritis can cause children to feel fear and anxiety that they may not be able to verbalize. Open communication with your child is just as important as it is with your spouse. Let your young children know that arthritis is not a fatal disease and allow them to feel secure. Don’t be afraid to let your children know what they can to do help. Also, be sure to explain your limitations due to arthritis; some activities that you and your children used to take part in might have to change, and the child needs to hear that. Replace physically demanding activities that you are no longer able to do, with less strenuous ones such as low-impact sports, board games and crafts.

If you are a caregiver or a partner of someone with arthritis, it is important to find a balance between being supportive and being over-protective. Educating yourself about the illness and listening to the arthritis sufferer will help you find the right balance.

“Arthritis does add additional stress to a marriage, but nothing that cannot be overcome with effort and communication,” said Anderson. Seek help from local support groups or counseling centers to learn how to effectively deal with the change. Make sure to practice patience and be willing to communicate fears, concerns and anxieties. Practicing open communication and patience may help your marriage grow even stronger. Many times, it is the challenges that partners go through that make them closer. “Supporting each other, emotionally and physically, has a tendency to draw two people together,” Anderson said

Summary:

For couples dealing with arthritis:

Do be open and honest with both your spouse and your children.

Do find joint-friendly activities to participate in with both your spouse and your children.

Do seek help from local support groups and counseling centers.

Don’t expect your partner to be a mind reader of your pain level or expect him/her to know what activities are painful for you.

Don’t assume that your young children will understand what arthritis is. Explain your condition in terms they’ll understand, and in a way that alleviates their unspoken anxieties.

Don’t be convinced that arthritis will hurt your marriage.Be convinced that it will make it stronger.